Drive, He Said

Answer the following as truthfully as possible. Read how to score the test after filling in all the answers.

1. I never ride in the left lane of a multi-lane highway unless I am passing another vehicle- True or false?

2. I always use my turn signals when changing lanes- True or false?

3. I have never texted while driving- True or false?

4. I ignore my cell phone if it rings while I’m behind the wheel- True or false?

5. I realize that trucks need longer distances to stop or turn than cars and so I give them plenty of room- True or false?

6. When I’m on a multi-lane, limited-access highway (like an Interstate) and I see a vehicle merging onto the highway, I always move over or adjust my speed to let that vehicle merge safely- True or false?

7. When I see that the road will narrow by one or more lanes (due to construction, etc.), I would never consider staying in a lane that’s ending and waiting ’til the last second before cutting into a different lane because that is the best way to recognize a complete asshole- True or false?

8. I realize that any cell-phone (including “hands-free”) use while driving is thoughtless and irresponsible- True or false?

9. I check my rear-view mirror at frequent intervals- True or false?

10. If I realize that there are vehicles behind me wanting to pass, I move over as soon as it is safe- True or false?

11. Only a complete fool would drive while under the influence- True or false?

12. If I should become too old or infirm to operate a vehicle at least as well as most of the idiots around me, I will immediately forfeit my “right” to drive- True or false?

13. ALL people should be required to demonstrate high levels of competence behind the wheel BEFORE being granted a license (unlike the way it is in the U.S.A.)- True or false?

14. ALL drivers need to be retested periodically to be sure their skills have not deteriorated. This is especially true of older drivers- True or false?

15. If I drive like a typical New Yorker, I will always refrain from driving in South Jersey- True or false?

16. Regarding traffic signals, “Green means ‘Proceed’, Yellow means ‘Proceed faster’, Red means ‘Proceed while gesturing’.” This will ONLY apply in North Jersey, New York City and other such lamentable places- True or false?

17. “Road rage” is simply the entirely reasonable attitude caused when amazingly skilled drivers like the author of this test have to continually endure the utterly wretched driving of others- True or false?

18. If I am a Senior Citizen, I will try to remember that it is NOT necessary to activate a turn signal upon starting the car and leave it on for the duration of the trip- True or false?

19. I will ALWAYS remember, on PAIN OF DEATH, to NEVER, EVER drive below the speed limit, especially while in front of the author of this test- True or false?

20. If I am driving in South Jersey, I am fully aware of the difference between “Parkway deer” and all other deer- True or false?

21. I really DO understand that a flashing yellow light and a flashing red light do NOT mean the same thing- True or false?

22. If I pull off the highway into a parking lot or driveway, I WILL check my mirror and be certain that there is no one behind me who is also trying to get into the same parking lot or driveway and if there is I will NOT dawdle- True or false?

23. I will NOT dawdle at ANY OTHER time either- True or false?

24. If I insist on playing stupid music (Defined as “Any music that the author of this test hates and that covers a lot of ground.”) on my car radio, I will not shame myself by playing it loudly- True or false?

25. If I am startled by an emergency vehicle suddenly passing me with it’s emergency lights and/or siren activated, this will cause me to realize that I’ve been an imbecile for not checking my rear-view mirror more often- True or false?

26. School buses are a royal pain in the butt to get stuck behind- True or false?

27. But not as bad as SUV drivers, all of whom seem to think that they own the goddamn road- True or false?

28. When driving in a snowstorm, it is both heartening and highly enjoyable to realize that every single one of the vehicles that has slid off the road and is now in a ditch, on its side or upside down is an SUV being piloted by a complete moron- True or false?

29. When I have to pay a toll, I will ALWAYS have my money ready well in advance of the toll and will position my vehicle in the correct lane well before I get to the toll or else I am being a fool- True or false?

30. Whoever wrote this test is sure one hell of a driver and I should try to be more like him- True or false?
Scoring: Obviously, the correct answer to each question is “True”. Give yourself one point for each answer of “False”. If your score totals one or more, your driving skills warrant improvement. If your score is two or more, stay the hell away from me. If your score is even higher than that, then you are a typical driver and you annoy the living shit out of me and everybody else.

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